I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
