After last night, I could never be a politician.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
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i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
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He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
So here I am, sexting at work.
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