you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
