bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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