I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
