took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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