you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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