Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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