Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
