We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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