I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
