Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
