im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
