Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
