seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
