I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Pants are for mortals
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
