Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
is that a dick in a sweater?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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