life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
