My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
