so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
