I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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