Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
