I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
