I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
