This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
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