i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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