y did u give ur computer a hand job?
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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