can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You dont lie about slip and slides
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
