I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
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Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
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I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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