Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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