I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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