WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
