I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
