No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize
