I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
