I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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