The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Randomize
