you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
