well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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