FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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