i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
