I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
