so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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