meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
