Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
