his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
There's always time for handjobs
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
