alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
