Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
