it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
