Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
