go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
