The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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