It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
