Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
