I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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