she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
