"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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