Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
