I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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